8 julio, 2024

How to stop being shy and insecure in 10 steps

stop being shy, quiet and insecure is possible, because it is not an incorrigible and permanent personality trait forever. With certain habits and some effort you can learn to speak with women, men, in public or with anyone.

We live in a society in which there seems to be no place for shy or introverted people, since qualities such as openness to others, the ability to take risks and sociability.

It’s important to keep in mind the difference between being shy and being an introvert. A shy person is someone who finds it difficult to talk to others, because they feel uncomfortable or ashamed. Being an introvert is someone who needs time alone and enjoys solitude, but knows how to socialize and doesn’t have to be shy.

In other words, someone who is shy is an introvert, but someone who is an introvert can know how to relate well to others, even if they like to be alone.

What is shyness?

Some authors define shyness as «a defense mechanism that allows the person to evaluate novel situations through through an attitude of caution, in order to respond adequately to the demands of the situation”.

The concept of shyness includes other dimensions, such as fear or fear, low self-esteem, insecurity problems, difficulties in socializing, suspiciousness, muscle tension, and physiological arousal.


In relation to the causes of shyness, there have traditionally been two different positions:

On the one hand, there are authors who emphasize learning as a causal factor for shyness, so that childhood experiences, living in a place that did not facilitate socialization or negative experiences during interaction with others, would lead to an attitude of shyness in the future.
However, other authors have warned, through studies with twins, that shyness is one of the most heritable traits of personality, so that people are born with a certain genetic vulnerability to manifest withdrawn behavior.

In any case, what has been revealed is that one of the most relevant causes for a person to become shy is the lack of personal experiences. Therefore, it is necessary to have vital experiences to overcome the shyness.

10 tips to stop being shy

1. Start exposing yourself to social situations that make you feel uncomfortable

Running away from unpleasant social situations will never help overcome shyness. We must break this vicious circle.

You should start exposing yourself to those situations, going to parties, birthdays, and dinners with co-workers, family, or friends, even if you don’t interact at first. with a lot of people. The important thing is that you learn to deal with the discomfort that confronting the presence of others causes you and that, little by little, you take the initiative to relate effectively.

Once you are used to attending these types of events, you will feel more secure and confident to take the next steps.

2. Take care of your non-verbal language

Your non-verbal language can reveal whether you are comfortable or uncomfortable, nervous or relaxed. If you don’t want to come across as shy, nervous, or anxious, you could start by changing some aspects of your nonverbal language:

hold the gaze

Avoiding looking another person in the eye when talking to them is an indicator of shyness and insecurity. By looking at the face of others, you expose yourself to receiving feedback on what they are thinking about you, since the other person may show confusion, disapproval etc

As in the previous case, in this one you also have to make an exhibition progressive direct. If it is too difficult at first, or you lose the thread of the conversation, you can gradually increase the time during which you maintain eye contact.

The goal is for it to be a fluid and natural conversation, not for you to remain 100% of the time without looking away from your partner’s eyes. interlocutor. In fact, it is recommended that you maintain eye contact 60-70% of the time you are interacting.

You should also take this into account in other situations in which showing adequate non-verbal language can be of great help, such as in an interview. of work.

Don’t hide your hands in pockets

If you avoid showing your hands for fear that they will shake or sweat, others may perceive that you are not very comfortable in that situation.

It is an aspect that politicians take great care of when they have to give a speech, since, unconsciously, they can convey to us the feeling of insecurity if they behave strangely with their hands.

It is advisable to make smooth and natural movements when speaking, without gesturing excessively but without hiding your hands.

Shows a normal tone of voice

If you are a shy person, surely you have noticed that the tone of your voice tends to be low, so that sometimes others cannot hear what you say.

Although at first it may be difficult for you, raising your tone of voice will help you show greater security and self-confidence in front of others.

3. Talks for more than a minute at a time

At first, when you start to have your first social contacts more frequently, it will be difficult for you to talk at length (for fear of boring others, not knowing how to link one topic to another, etc.).

In this way, when you have these fears, you will surely give monosyllabic answers (of the type «yes», «no», «I don’t know», among others). In order for your conversations to be satisfying and flowing, try to give comprehensive answers that are related to the topic you are talking about.

For example, if they ask you where you live, instead of saying «in Madrid», you can say: «I’m living in Madrid, but I’m from Soria. I came here because I found a job last year.

As you can see, you can give broader answers that reveal more information about your personal life. When you find it easy to talk for more than a minute at a time, try increasing the time or number of times you interact with others.

4. Give sincere compliments

Try to lose the shame of complimenting other people – as long as they are honest – in relation to their skills, clothing, etc.

For example, if you go to a party where the host has prepared a delicious dish, compliment him on his cooking skills, show interest in knowing the recipe, etc. One way to continue the conversation would be to talk about other recipes you know or would like to learn.

5. Learn to receive compliments

Just as it is important to learn how to compliment others, it is necessary to learn how to receive them. Therefore, instead of showing excessive modesty, be grateful and flattered.

Continuing with the previous example, if a person tells you that you have a good hand in the kitchen, you could explain who gave you the recipe, when you learned it or how much time you have invested in cooking it.

By accepting other people’s compliments you will show yourself as a less shy, more secure and self-confident person.

6. Make use of positive self-instructions

It is very important that you begin to change the internal language that you maintain with yourself. Surely, until now you have always said phrases like: «everyone is going to realize how embarrassing I am» or «I’m going to make a fool of myself talking in public».

This type of thinking, far from helping you achieve your purpose, prevents you from developing appropriate social behavior.

To avoid these catastrophic thoughts, you can begin to modify them by self-instructions of courage and effectiveness, which consist of:

Before you start interacting, think that you can do it, and that nothing will happen if you blush.
During social interaction, you should tell yourself how well you are doing so that you gain more self-confidence.
Finally, at the end of the interaction, stay with the most positive aspects, so that you are aware that you can talk to others in a effective. As for the negative aspects, you must take them into account to improve them in successive interactions.

7. Sign up for a sport or group activity

Having good experiences with others, interacting in a relaxed atmosphere, will help you change your vision of social relationships.

Try to find an activity that matches your interests and abilities, rather than choosing a competitive sport that doesn’t appeal to you. Surely by meeting people who share your hobbies and interests, it will be much easier for you to relate to them.

This is also a good opportunity to mingle with other people in your spare time, with the added bonus that they didn’t know you before and you can “start from scratch” in your relationship with them, without being seen as the shy or withdrawn one in the group.

8. Do not think that your life is not interesting

Many people who show a shy or withdrawn attitude act as if it is more interesting to listen to the lives of others than to talk about their own. own. If this is your case, try to appreciate how interesting your life and personal experiences can be.

Avoid phrases like «my work is very monotonous» or «my life is very boring» and think about everything that can arouse interest in others, talking about the anecdotes of your last trip, the book you are reading, a movie that you found hilarious, etc.

9. Focus on the outside, not on the inside

For the conversation to flow, you must focus your attention on the topic of conversation, on what the other person is saying, and on what you want to convey.

Focusing your attention on yourself, on what others may be thinking about you, on the fact that you are shaking or your palms are sweating, will make the conversation easier. awkward moment for both.

Another aspect that you should keep in mind is to focus on the here and now. Don’t allow your mind to be anywhere else but in front of the person speaking to you and focused on the conversation you are having.

10. Learn to value your achievements

Shyness is a personality trait, a way of being and relating to the world that you have been learning from your first social interactions.

This is a fairly stable dimension, so it won’t be easy for you to stop being shy overnight. For example, if you haven’t been to a crowded party in years, you should reward yourself after attending one.

The important thing is that you apply these tips little by little, so that you avoid becoming overwhelmed and developing a greater fear of relationships. interpersonal.


Cano Vindel, A., Pellejero, M., Ferrer, MA, Iruarrizaga, I., & Zuazo, A. Cognitive, emotional, genetic and differential aspects of shyness. Spanish magazine of motivation and emotion.
Manzano, ES Creative imagination and personality: an experimental study on the relationship between creativity and introversion-extroversion. Complutense magazine of education.

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